A heart like mine

Today's topic of discussion is me, facebook, and my twisted relationship with Jesus Christ:

It started last week, when I posted the following image with the comment that, well, he did lose his shit that one time and curse the fig tree:

I only got ONE like for that comment, ONE, which proves that my friends are either more devout and reverent Christians than I am or they're just not welling to admit that they're twisted enough to think that's funny.   Cause if you think about it, making a tree wither and die because it wasn't bearing fruit when you wanted a snack? 

Seriously? 

I think I get to say that.  Saying it on my facebook wall doesn't make it worse.  He has met me.  Kind of like my friend apologizing for complaining about his parent's behavior post divorce in the nave of our church-- really?  It isn't like he doesn't know you're upset with her.   It isn't like he doesn't know I swear.

And it isn't like cursing a fig tree because it doesn't have tasty figs on it isn't at least on the surface a bit much.   I think I get to say this kind of thing by now.   Especially considering I identify with this: 

Sometimes kicking and screaming.   And I don't think God hates figs.  I think that was a case of 'whelp, might as well drive the point of that parable home a little hard today'.   I'm cRaZY, yes, but Noah was a drunk, Peter was an impetuous ass who made promises he couldn't keep, Moses was a murderer, and David was a real jerk when he decided he wanted someone.  My god ran around with whores, rednecks, crazies and government employees.  

I don't think normal is normal in the Kingdom of Heaven.   I think it's the one place my behavior would be considered toned down.   I once had someone ask me what I would do if I was drinking alcohol and watching a horror movie and Jesus came to the door.   I told her I'd do the only appropriate thing to do: 

Invite him inside and offer him a glass!

Edit:  In reference to how I think God sees people, good or bad, repentant or not, I believe with all my heart that God sees each of us and says "this is mine". 

Or see below, thank you facebook:

GAS!

Last night started out quiet and ended in a botched chemistry experiment. After bathing my two dogs, I noticed that the tub had reached an unacceptable level of dirty and decided to scrub off the scum. Remembering that I had read somewhere that cheap toilet bowl cleaner makes a good tub cleanser I squirted some into the basin and picked up my scrub brush to try and get some of the gunk off the tub wall. I had forgotten that prior to this incident that same scrub brush had moved soft scrub around my tub. At first I thought it was just that the toilet bowl cleanser was a bit more pungent than normal when used undiluted and in the open air so I pressed on. I started coughing. I realized what I had done. Chlorine gas! I sprayed down the bathtub with water between coughs before finally giving up and leaving the room. Then I went back in for contact solution. I brushed my teeth in the hall. Finally, I got a drink in the kitchen and found a cough drop lying around. I went to sleep after about an hour. I coughed up blood this morning.

I guess I've learned something about chemical warfare. I can't imagine being faced with that sort of thing and not having any clean air to move into. It would be more than a little blood I think. If I see any more in the morning, I'll go into the minor emergency clinic. I think for tonight I will settle with having proved to myself once more that my talent for risky behavior is unrivaled by anyone except maybe my brothers.