Soldier

There are some things about people I just don't understand. I don't "get it" on a lot of things. I watched The Apostle a week ago and got a glimpse into a church culture I don't think I'm ever going to understand. The movie starts out showing this man being taken to church as a little boy. There's a call and response going on in the service. The old guy at the pulpit is shouting and basically raising hell. The movie goes on to present day and you see the man who used to be the little kid shout and bounce and scream his way into adulthood (and murdering his wife's lover). Before I saw this movie, I thought some of the things my friends from my church in college did to make fun of their former cohorts were, well, bullshit. I thought they were pulling my chain. I'm watching this movie and I keep hearing Dr. Chapman's voice in my head, "if you don't believe that, then you don't believe this, and if you don't believe this then you don't believe this" as I'm watching this guy preach that way.

I don't think there's a lot substance in that. I can't imagine learning anything from this guy. Watching the story, however, I will give him this: Whatever else the protagonist was, he belonged, heart and soul, to God. Or more specifically, Jesus, because he never mentions God the Father and he tended to abuse the Holy Ghost with lots of random shouting. The man was a womanizing murderer, but you knew who his heart belonged to. After a while, I mean. I still watched the whole thing with my jaw on the floor. During the credits, they show the old guy on a chain gang, and he's got all the jailbirds singing a call and response style hymn.

I hear a lot of criticism from people about what awful hypocrites Christians are. Watching this movie, I saw that Sonny is a sinner, but he's not really a hypocrite. He believes what he's saying, and he believes that he has been called and saved by God. He says he's a sinner. He knows. He tries to make up for it. He goes to jail anyway but he does so in the same way he's always lived---talking to God the whole way. Unafraid and unashamed. In that way, he's my kind of guy. I just don't think I want to visit his church.

Drag Me to Hell (thoughts on a hollywood horror movie)

I watched a horror movie alone last night. It seems stupid. It probably was. I kept thinking about hygienically challenged creepy old ladies who take their teeth out at your desk all night. Which led me to writing this:

Digging yourself into a dead gypsy's graving and shoving a button down her throat isn't going to solve your problems.

I have several other problems with this movie. First, why does the director have the old lady taking her teeth out at Pork Queen's desk? Who does that? I have had all kinds of people sit at my desk, a lot of them as nervous and irritated as Old Gypsy and they have never ever removed their dentures at my desk. I've never even had someone fiddle with them. Secondly, the movie portrays Pork Queen as just a poor ex-fat girl with security issues trying to get ahead. She could have given Old Gypsy an extension on her mortgage but she was trying to make her boss happy. She knew it was wrong. She knew it was wrong and now she represents the American Banking Industry in this film.

My other problem is that Old Gypsy has a mortgage. Most Romani are not settled people. The other problem is the chicken bone wind chimes (they seem to go better with a voodoo flick) and the granddaughter letting Pork Queen into the family home. The problem with that? They don't do that. It would make the place spiritually impure. I'm no expert on these folks, this is just what I've heard.

Pork Queen also makes an unsympathetic victim because of the viciousness with which she fights back Old Gypsy's super human attacks. I don't know very many old ladies who could keep up that level of ferociousness for as long as that one did, let alone anyone who would pay for dentures that ugly. The dentures also come back. Her teeth get knocked out of her head and she puts them back in. Then the corpse vomits into Pork Queen's mouth at the wake.

Are you frickin' serious?

The subplot has Pork Queen being a former fatty. I'm taking a wild guess this is why she's so insecure. She used to be fat. Kind of like the American Banking Industry. They used to be fat (rich) and now they're skinny (less rich) so they have to be insecure and a little evil. It also looks like everything's going to work out for her (and the industry) until the earth opens up and swallows her.

Yeah, no kiddin'. The Earth opens up and swallows her.

Unless you have a real axe to grind with your bank, I wouldn't waste my time with this movie.

Pork Queen is rotten to the core---despite being a vegetarian and volunteering at the puppy shelter.