Won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?

I had the odd experience of landing on the Trinity Broadcasting Network the other day and not being able to reach a remote. I don't watch TV church. Generally speaking, it creeps me out. I was subjected, however, to about five minutes the other night of the twisted logic of the Prosperity Gospel. He used the feeding of the five thousand to mean that Jesus wants to give us tons of stuff we don't actually need and that following him will make him want to load us down with (monetary) blessings.

I've seen this stuff before. I've actually gotten my hands on the curriculum for their teen Sunday school before. It had an entire skit laid out with a story about how a little teenager didn't give 10% of her babysitting money to the church. When she didn't "give God his share" a series of unfortunate events would ensue until she paid back every penny. I was...aghast at the material. I upbraided the person whose home I found it in for helping people bilk money out of teenagers by fear. The response I got? Well, it's true.

Someone else has been feeding my friends a line of crap. The line of crap goes as follows. It's a divine ponzi scheme. You give God (The church, sometimes, usually a minister in particular) money and God will give you cash and success in return. Tenfold. If you don't give God money, your roof will fall in, your dog will die, your wife will leave you and your children will laugh at you.

I have good news and bad news. The Good News is that the God who incarnated as the son of working class people and spent most of his adult life before taking up his ministry as a gnarly contractor guy is not going to punish you if you forget to or can't afford to offer up 10% of your money to "him". The Bad News is that he's not going to buy you a Mercedes Benz and your children are still going to laugh at you. There are a lot of very good reasons to give money to the Church. None of them involve divine retribution and/or reward. Sometimes faithful givers fall on hard times. Sometimes selfish people get rich. Sometimes really nice people get rich and do good things things with their money.

It's just the way the cookie crumbles. So what can a believer expect to get in return for following Christ? A hot wife? A great job? A buzz that never goes away? Social recognition? Political clout? Good connections? Good karma?

Try life. Abundant life. Eternal life. Love that doesn't go away. A community of people who love you even when you aren't very lovable. Friendships you never would have had if you hadn't been opened up to the idea that God puts people in your life, even people you never would have had anything to do with otherwise. Healing for your soul.

The ridiculousness of this is best illustrated, I think, in Janis Joplin's Mercedes Benz . Christians believe Christ died to redeem sinners from death. How incredulous of us to turn around and ask the Son of Man, who admittedly had no place to lay his head, to help us get that nice McMansion? Prove that you love me, and buy the next round???

Nice.